How do couples meet?

I have been single for a while and have heard a lot of bad takes about modern dating. So I decided to look at what the science says about how couples meet. I think the findings are uplifting, and I hope these findings can help and reassure other singles.

Main findings

The researchers Rosenfeld, Thomas and Hausen (2019) found that the most common way for new couples to meet was online (39%). Note, this means that the majority of couples (≈61%) do not meet online, but instead meet through friends, work, studies and other settings. This survey has a broad definition of “meeting online” including dating apps, sites, social media and other internet-related first contact.

Pew Research (2023) found that most partnered adults do not meet through online dating, and many adults don’t use online dating apps at all. Pew Research found that couples in partnered adults meet through other contexts. This could mean they meet through friends, work, studies or other contexts, but Pew Research did not identify where they meet.

Pew Research defined partnered adults as “those who are married, living with a partner, or in a committed romantic relationship”. This includes new and old relationships - unlike Rosenfeld, Thomas and Hausen (2019).

In an exploratory study Stinson, Cameron and Hoplock (2021) found that two thirds of couples start as friends-first. This finding is particularly important because relationship science has focused on the assumption that most couples start their relationship as strangers. This assumption appears to be incorrect. This means most couples meet through a mix of settings such as friends, work, and studies amongst others. This study did not look at how many couples meet online or offline.

Who uses online dating apps?

According to Pew Research, most Americans don’t use an online dating app at all. About 3 in 10 adults have ever used dating apps, the same number as in 2019. By age group:

How many meet online?

About 10 per cent of partnered adults met using online dating. By age group:

About 28% of straight partnered adults have ever used online dating apps, and 9% met online. For LGB partnered adults the numbers are higher: 51% have ever used apps and 24% met online.

I was quite surprised that so few relationships start through dating apps considering how much money and advertising has been spent to promote online dating. I suspected the majority met offline, but the numbers are still quite surprising.

Nuances in the research

Each of the sources point to different insights about how couples meet. Here are some takeaways about what they mean, and what we should be mindful of.

Stinson, Cameron and Hoplock show that most couples start as friends-first. This means that most couples don’t meet as strangers through dating, including dating apps. This also means that research that focuses on how strangers meet isn’t representative for most couples. Dating strangers skips the friendship stage, and that may play a role in the odds of becoming a couple.

Pew Research found that most adults don’t use online dating apps. This means that studies that focus on online dating are only representative of a smaller group in the population.

The study by Rosenfeld, Thomas and Hausen uses a broader definition of meeting online than Pew Research, which explains why they found a larger share of couples meet online (39%) compared to Pew Research (10%). Furthermore, they looked at only newly formed couples whereas Pew Research looks at all couples in the adult population.

Both sources found that most partnered adults don’t meet online. They meet through friends, school or work - and other settings.

Applying the findings

How can singles apply these findings? I think the most valuable insight is to prioritize making new friends first, extend your network at school and work, and find people with similar interests. Online dating is becoming more popular, but most relationships don’t seem to start through dating apps.

If you want to focus on more than one option, I think it’s wise to put online dating last.

Limits of online dating

Before I read these studies I had already read a number of articles about increased loneliness around the world, and about the impact of screens in education. I suspect some of the findings might apply to online dating as well.

People want to be accepted and included. This is a learned behaviour cultivated over thousands of years and is based on our desire to survive. It’s natural to want to fit in, and to assess risks to ourselves and our group. This affects how we present ourselves, who we are, our interests and goals in life. It also affects who we spend time with, and who we feel comfortable being ourselves around. It makes sense that we are more open to meeting new people when we are in a safe, social setting such as when we are around friends. Online dating is not built for meeting others through friends, although it does allow us to choose who we meet.

Starting a relationship through online dating might be more difficult because we get too little information about others, and are unable to communicate who we are to others. Many adults also have bad experiences with online dating, which affects our desire to use it.

People use online dating for different goals, such as sex, validation, and starting a relationship. So people who date this way are likely to meet people with different goals, which reduces the odds of starting a relationship.

Knowing that 3 in 10 adults use online dating apps, this could also mean that the group on dating apps is not representative of most people. This also affects odds of meeting people with similar values and goals.

Finally, I don’t think any design changes to a dating app can match meeting face to face, in a friendly and safe setting.

Outside the US

Do these findings apply only to the United States or other countries as well?

The studies use appropriate research design for answering their questions and they acknowledge the limits of their findings. It seems the authors also reflect a bit on how their framing affects their findings.

Given that cultures differ, I suspect these findings might apply in countries with similar cultures to the US. I also believe smartphone usage affects how couples meet.

How I found these sources

I read a number of articles, but many of the claims about online dating aren’t based on representative surveys, nor academic studies. There are valid academic studies about online dating, but most adults don’t use online dating so those studies don’t represent entire populations.

The best sources I found are from the United States, but I have reason to believe this applies to other countries as well.

I looked for sources using reliable scientific design, qualitative and quantitative methods, to answer these specific questions:

There weren’t many studies that answered these questions, so I focused on three sources that answer one question each.

References

M.J. Rosenfeld, R.J. Thomas, & S. Hausen, Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting, Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. U.S.A. 116 (36) 17753-17758, Source (2019).

Stinson, D. A., Cameron, J. J., & Hoplock, L. B. (2021). The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 13(2), 562-571. Source (Original work published 2022)

Pew Research. (2023). From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S. Source